Let me be very clear in saying that I absolutely love my job. It rules. I have no bad days.
But while I have no bad days … some days are even better than others. This is one of them.
Somewhere along the way of the last week somebody asked me if I wanted to write about which real-life mascot of the Conference Championship teams would win in a fight. Obviously I said YES.
When I first pondered this, I thought about the actual mascots like a lion against a raven. This isn’t Game of Thrones where ravens have stupid and unrealistic powers, however, so I took it upon myself to assume that I could go at this based on team mascots instead.
SO THAT IS WHAT WE ARE GOING TO DO.
San Francisco 49ers’ mascot Sourdough Sam has no shot and would get totally destroyed
Let’s get this out of the way. Sourdough Sam is last in the power rankings.
His name is Sourdough Sam. Nobody really even likes sourdough. We all pretend that we do to seem interesting and different when we are in varying social situations, but in reality, it is not high on anybody’s “best bread” list.
So in that sense we have established that Sam is starting behind the proverbial eight ball, but I also have a big problem with him through the context of getting set for a fight. Look at how much stuff he is wearing. He’s got to be totally weighed down by all of this gear. He’d go down so easily.
Plus, while overalls serve a legitimate function, in a fight they would only exist as a way for him to be grabbed and yanked all over the place. This is a tough scene.
Kansas City Chiefs’ K.C. Wolf has playoff experience but seems pretty soft overall
We are all thinking it so I will say it. K.C. Wolf looks soft.
To be clear I do not mean literally like a stuffed animal, although that does also seem to be the case. I mean that K.C. looks like after one hit to the face they are down for the count and do not want any more smoke beyond it.
Plus, I am someone who had to take physics twice in college so I could be off here, K.C. is sort of really ridiculously tall. It feels like if you could get the right sort of tackle in, you could get them down and then just kind of end things from a point where you have the high ground (mandatory shout out to Obi Wan).
K.C. only beats out Sourdough Sam because of the inclusion of sourdough, as previously noted.
Baltimore Ravens’ mascot Poe could likely talk their way out of a pickle, but ultimately is not the strongest
Poe is the Baltimore Ravens mascot and is obviously named after the author Edgar Allan Poe (who wrote “The Raven”), which means he can likely spit a rhyme or two. I could totally see Poe laying down the gauntlet and verbally eviscerating their opponent before actually getting into battle.
Looking beyond that though, Poe has hung out with some of the best defensive players that the NFL has ever seen. On the subject of things seen … Poe has seen some things.
I’d not want to be anywhere near the middle of a ring with Poe unless I could choose the circumstances. And if I could, then I would want one creature at my side.
You guessed it …
MY MONEY IS ON ROARY CONSIDERING THEY ARE AN ACTUAL LION
ROARY! Our hero!
Look at the mane. Look at the strut. Look at the muscles. Look at it all and let it properly envelop you. What we are seeing here is peak human/animal/fabric material form.
The Detroit Lions’ mascot Roary has the strongest base of any of our contenders and could therefore absorb the biggest blows and deliver the heaviest hits. Also, while it has only been a few years, do you not think that Roary has spent an early morning or two (or a thousand) in the gym with Dan Campbell? There is a 100% chance that they have sparred with Till I Collapse on in the background (cause you know, Eminem, 313, etc., etc.).
This is not a question or competition as much as it is a coronation. Roary is the people’s champion and clearly the mascot of all Conference Championship teams that would stand atop the mountain after a physical altercation.